The un-Happy Side of Mother's Day

Here we are again.  Another Mother's Day and another day where you would be led to believe that everyone has (or had) a happy and wonderful relationship with their mothers.  

This is for those of us who can't celebrate like everyone else.

If you have a good mother, be thankful for her and show her how much you appreciate her.  You are very fortunate to have that relationship.

This day grieves the rest of us.

I grew up with a good mother.  She was a "stay-at-home" mother, and we had many happy memories together when I was a child.  Unfortunately, things changed after I left home.  My mother became another person.  To be fair my mother had physical and mental issues brought on by severe migraine headaches and the death of her father.  

I could never maintain a consistent relationship with my mother.  We would get along fine until I didn't do something she wanted me to do and then it was a blowup and not speaking for months.  I learned that I had to set some boundaries and she didn't like those boundaries.  She also never liked anyone I dated or married.  She would like them in the beginning but when it got serious, she would turn on them and try to come between us.  

Yes, this is the side of Mother's Day that no one talks about.  Nobody wants to hear this side, but it certainly exists, and we get dumped on with the guilt that we can't celebrate with the rest of the Hallmark Card families.  

Let me assure you that you aren't less of a person and you are still loved by God.  Estranged parents will often play the "Honor thy father and mother" card (mine did) but there are also verses which also support us.

"And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice."  (Ephesians 6:4 TLB)

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." (Psalm 27:10 NIV)

"If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)

My mother passed away several years ago and was not speaking to me in her final years.  I don't carry any guilt over it because I did everything I could do to have a healthy relationship with her.  She only wanted it one way.  Several times when we had exchanges, I was plead with her to understand that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her, but it was always something.  She was quick to make the wrong assumptions about me rather than give me the benefit of any doubt.

So, this Mother's Day, if you're having a difficult time with it because of a strained relationship, let me give you some of these from my experience:

• If you have done your best to have a healthy relationship with your mother and it hasn't worked, realize that it works both ways.  If you have done your part, don't feel guilty that she hasn't done her part.
• Always be open to reconciliation.  
• Don't whimp out on your boundaries.
• Don't send a Mother's Day card out of obligation.  If she NEEDS a card that's a problem.
• The negative things your mother thinks about you doesn't mean it's true.

Being estranged from your mother on Mother's Day (or any other day) stinks.  Unfortunately, this is the reality for some of us.  We don't want it to be this way or the pain of feeling alone while it seems that the rest of the world is living the happy Mother's Day life.

Don't let the negative feelings of Mother's Day keep you from being happy.  Try to focus on any positive memories of your mother and celebrate those times.  Don't live with regret or feel condemned with guilt if the relationship is one-sided.  The best way you can honor your mother is to be a better person and good citizen in the world.