Someone I used to work with once said "the best revenge for a bad childhood is being a happy adult."
I have tried to live my life that way but it hasn't been easy. At least it wasn't for most of my life.
I didn't have bad parents. I think they did the best they could but I don't think they ever understood me. They are both gone now. My dad passed away four years ago this week. My mother two years prior to that.
My dad was a pentecostal preacher. He was a strict disciplinarian. I grew up in a time where spanking was an acceptable form of correction. Actually I would describe it more accurately as "whippings" than spankings. I always heard this was done out of love but in those moments I wish he "loved" me a little less. I also knew that there was no negotiations with him. The belt was always the option for correction.
My mother never spanked me but she would defer any disciplinary action to my dad.
I often tell people that I grew up in fear of God and the belt. This wasn't a good way to develop a healthy self-esteem. I never took up for myself or ventured too far outside of that fear of getting in trouble.
Things didn't get better after I left home. The whippings were replaced by expectations that I failed to meet. One disagreement or argument and we would not speak for months. Those times tormented me because I could never find a way to be myself and please them at the same time. My mother never approved of anyone I dated. In the beginning, she would like the girl but when we got serious she would find some way to sabotage the relationship. That's probably why I broke two engagements during my early years as an adult.
My relationship with my parents was very difficult to manage. I wanted a normal, healthy relationship but it never happened. They would always play the "Honor thy mother and father" card and I would counter with "Don't provoke your children unto wrath." With my dad being the preacher, I could never compete with any Bible throw downs. Debating someone who thinks they are right is never going to accomplish anything. I stopped trying. Although they didn't think I "honored" them in the way they thought I should, I did honor them by becoming the best person I could be. Somehow with the mixture of them in me, I think I have turned out pretty good. Not perfect but not the worst either.
I tried many times to reconcile with my parents over the years but they refused to deal with any of the underlying issues. My dad - the preacher - even complained that I always wanted to fix things when I should just leave it alone. Wait a minute...is that what the Bible says? Hmmm I don't think so. Yes, I wanted to fix things which seems to always be my problem. I don't like just having a superficial relationship. My parents refused to budge on this. They preferred a surface relationship while storing the bad things of the past to bring out later.
Unfortunately there were several ugly moments. I regret those but it was only because it never had to be this way.
At some point I finally realized that I could never please them and we would never have a normal relationship. So, I decided to live and be happy but not in spite of them but I wasn't going to let that strained relationship hinder me.
I spent the last week of my dad's life by his bedside. There were some strained moments then but I think he finally saw me for the man I have become. I was there in spite of all that had gone on before. He realized that perhaps he had believed things about me that weren't true at all. He asked forgiveness for spending more time with the church than me and he wanted to redo things he had done. Was it hard hearing all this and being there? Absolutely. At the end of his live when he was alone, I was there and that is the person I had become.
We all make decisions on relationships and why we do what we do. Sometimes it is difficult to get past the past and I have found that some people never let go of the bad of the past. Why is it that we can hold on to one bad moment yet forget all the good ones?
I don't blame my parents for anything. I don't excuse things because of how I was raised or how I was treated. It's all of part of who I am and what I have become today.
Life is a journey filled with decisions. All we can do is the best that we can to make the right ones. I have done the best I could with the decisions I have made.
