Divorce is an ugly word.
If you’ve been through it, you know what an unpleasant experience it can be. Even Christians wrestle with the subject of divorce and remarriage. Those who haven’t personally experienced it in the church love to quote the Bible verse that God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16) God may hate divorce but He still loves divorced people.
The Pentecostal cult church I grew up in had a strict judgmental view about divorce and divorced people. If a person got divorced, they were not allowed to remarry until their ex-spouse died. I’m sure a lot of divorced people either left the church or prayed secretly for their ex to meet an unpleasant demise which created a whole different issue altogether.
The church finally relaxed their teachings on divorce and remarriage although some congregations still hold on to their rigid beliefs.
People make mistakes. Everyone doesn’t find their perfect fit on the first try and if they are young and immature, that sets up a bad situation in choosing a life mate. It's very easy for our decision making for such an important decision to be obscured by our feelings at the moment.
Honestly, sometimes divorce makes things better. I know that probably drew a few gasps from my church friends but sometimes there are right reasons to make that choice. I never thought I would get divorced but the path of my life led me to make that decision. I knew at the time that it would all turn out for the best - and it did.
This isn’t a blog to debate about the issue of divorce but advise that I would give anyone considering marriage. I wish someone had told me these things before I married the first time:
#1 - Be yourself
Don’t be the person that other person wants you to be. Although marriage is about compromise, you don’t have to give up who you are.
#2 - Marry your best friend
It is vitally important that you are friends with who you are going to marry. It’s not always going to be hearts and romance, so you need to like the person you are going to marry.
#3 - Consider the In-Laws
You are going to be around your spouse’s family so you’d better like them. Consider who your in-laws are going to be because you are going to be married to them too.
#4 - Don’t marry out of desperation
Don’t marry someone because you don’t think you’ll find anyone else or that this is your only chance. A person with a low self-esteem can make a terrible decision if they aren't careful to look past their insecurities.
#5 - Don’t force it
It needs to flow and feel natural. It’s true that sometimes you have to work at a marriage but you shouldn’t feel that way about marrying someone.
#6 - Don’t marry someone based on physical attraction
The reality of life is that our bodies change as we grow older. Things break down and our looks fade. The person you marry won’t look the same 20-30 years later. Marry the person, not the looks.
The day before the wedding of my first marriage my dad told me that if I had any doubts that I shouldn’t think about the money we spent on the wedding but to be sure I was ready. I wasn’t and I spent many years in frustration because of it. I saw several red flags and I ignored them simply because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. That was dumb. I was more worried about everyone else than I was about my own happiness and thought no one else would want me. That was terrible reasoning.
Marriage doesn’t have to be a fairytale but it doesn’t need to be without your happily ever after. You need to make the right decision for the right reasons.
If I could go back in time and tell my younger version one thing it would be:
Don’t marry the person you can live with, marry the one you can’t live without.
