Thoughts about Family Drama

I had this saying growing up - don’t trust family or church people.

I know some might frown on that idiotism but usually the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most.

Let me speak to the family part of this.

Family can drive you crazy if you let them.  If you have family, you are certainly familiar with dysfunction and drama.  

Why do some family members want to have drama?

I can tell you that I am at the age now that I don’t do drama.  I will cut you out of my life.  I don’t have time for it.  Relatives will get mad at us for the most ridiculous reasons.  I’ve had some who have gotten mad that I moved to another location.  What?  I can’t be in charge of my own life?  I need to check with others and get their approvals first before deciding what *I* want to do?

That is pathetic.

I am not proud of the fact that I have had to cut family members out of my life to eliminate the unnecessary stress and drama they create.  I have had some who would get cross with me when I didn’t do what they expected yet they ignored all the good things I had done for them.  One wrong move cancels out the good things.  It is very frustrating when family members refuse to give you the benefit of the doubt.  They will immediately make the wrong assumptions and that your intent was to hurt them.

It is impossible to manage those expectations of certain family members.  I’m just not sure what their end game could be.  

In order to be happy, you must set boundaries.  Your happiness can’t be dependent upon keeping the impossible expectations of other family members happy.  Some go out of their way to keep some family members happy.  I had a difficult family member once who made the comment that she had to worry about keeping everyone happy when the reality was that SHE was the one everyone was trying to keep happy.

Yes, it can give you a headache.

People will use the reasoning that “we’re all family” to justify keeping these family members in your life.  They may be family, but you don’t have to accept their behavior or treatment of you.  Don’t put up with the B.S.   Put your happiness first.  

Of course, not all family members are looking to stir up drama.  Some actually genuinely care about you and your happiness.  Hold onto those because that’s what family is supposed to be about.  

Ultimately, we have to manage this journey of life the best that we can.  None of us are perfect.  We don’t have to keep unhealthy relationships in our lives or be responsible for the happiness of others.  It would be nice to have harmony and get along with everyone but that’s just not the reality.  

Over time, people’s behaviors can change so cutting someone off doesn’t have to be permanent.  If you see evidence that your family member is truly willing to make amends, there may be a chance of reconciling that relationship but don’t rush to reconciliation.  You should realize that the process may take time and some solid steps for improvement.  With that in mind, you might be able to repair that broken bond and move forward with a better relationship.

Thoughts About Making the Effort

I am an introvert.  I have been all of my life.  I learned to be quiet and observe others before opening myself up.  Once I open up, people see a different side of me.  

I always lived in fear of people making fun of me.  Unfortunately it happened a lot. 

I’m not always good at initiating a conversation.  I have found myself with people where I had to do it.  It takes a lot out of me and honestly sometimes I don’t want to make the effort so I will retreat into my quiet space.  So many times people have made the assumption that when I am quiet that I am mad at them.  Quiet shouldn’t always be assumed to be negative.  My quiet times are often times of restoring and recharging myself.  

Many times people misunderstand introverts and our behaviors.  It takes a lot for us to open up and feel comfortable with others.  If not, we fade into the background.  I am usually okay with that.  It helps me to stand back and observe while picking my moments to join in.  

I have learned to accept how I am.  I wasted too much of my life trying to fit in but I have learned to accept myself now.  I’m too old to change now. Having fought the battle with low self-esteem most of my life I can give you some very helpful advice - don’t fight that battle.  Accept yourself for who you are. You will never be happy until you can accept who you are.  We all have our good, bad and quirky ways. We have to accept it.  We can change the things we can change and accept what has formed us.  

Someone said that “when you stop living your life based on what others think of you, real life begins.  At that moment, you will finally see the door of self-acceptance opened.”  

A pivotal moment came in my life years ago when I heard a quote from a movie which asked the main character - “Are you ready to be who you are?”   We don’t have to put pressure on ourselves to be the person everyone else expects us to be.  I don’t always have to make the effort to initiate a conversation and I can be okay with that.  Whatever assumptions others make about that is on them.  I can explain it if asked but I can’t control what they assume.  I am allowed to either step forward and make the effort or I can fade back into oblivion and allow myself to do that.

When People Disappoint Us

“Milton, I am disappointed in you."

Those words hit me hard when a former pastor said those to me many years ago. The issue he was disappointed in me about was very trivial but it was still difficult to hear.

It wasn't the first time nor that last time I have disappointed someone. I have also suffered some stingy disappointment myself. We all have.

If you live long enough people are going to disappoint you. 

Sometimes we either set our expectations too high for people to meet.  There are also times when we get burned so many times that we look for reasons to be disappointed.  We look for reasons to be disappointed so we can confirm those expectations.

Life is not a journey without people letting us down.  If there is one thing I learned about being disappointed in people is that it will happen but can't allow it to cause us to expect everyone to let us down. People are human and imperfect. We have to understand that.  Sometimes people fail us.  It isn’t always intentional.  When it happens we can’t let it overcome us.  

If someone disappoints us, we should first give them a chance to explain.  Sometimes it could be a misunderstanding.  If it isn’t, we have to be willing to forgive and reconcile the relationship with the person who disappointed us.  If forgiveness doesn’t work then we just need to walk away.  

Has this person done this before?  Is this a recurring thing?

Sometimes you just have to let it go.  Don’t hang onto it and don’t let the negative feeling become emotional baggage.  

Also remember that you have disappointed people too. How would we want to be treated if we were the ones who disappointed someone?

Disappointment stings. It hurts. There are people right now we all can think of that are a disappointment to us. They have either done or said something that changed our relationship with them in some way. Sadly, people will let us down but we have to be quick to bounce back from the disappointment. We can overcome it and decide how to navigate through it. Maybe it means we have to permanently end our relationship with someone or it may also mean that we must negotiate how a relationship will proceed from the disappointment. In my own life I can look back and see those examples. With some I have had to burn bridges and move on from the disappointment and others where issues were resolved and continued.

Don't look for chances to be disappointed because you will find it. Instead, be someone that responds better to it and learns from it.