Thoughts About My Religion

Christian.

That's what I had always considered myself.  

I grew up in religion.  When I was born, my father had just accepted his calling into the ministry.  A few years later he was appointed to his first church in Valdosta, Georgia.  I became a preacher's kid and would be known as that for many years that followed.

I was taught about God and was raised in a church family.  My life was about the church.  Our specific denomination was very strict and a lot of rules which were intended to keep its members "holy" in some way.  

When I left home and went out on my own I had to unlearn and relearn some things about my religion and who God really was.  For years I tried to find my "calling" in the ministry as if it were some holy grail that would magically transform my life.  

Then life happened.  Twists and turns.  Decisions and choices made which changed me.  

I have always struggled with my relationship with God.  How is it possible to talk to someone who never talks back?  How can you even be sure that in the world of billions of people that He could possibly hear my prayers?  

Have faith?  Walk in the Spirit?  Read the word?

Those are the answers you are given when you question it.

I don't need a God which only comes out when I'm jumping, clapping and singing songs projected on a screen or ancient hymns from a song book.  I need a God that is there.  Even after all of these years and hundreds of sermons I have heard I am still not sure about any of this.  No, I don't doubt that there is a God.  He's not the one I doubt.  It is me.  I doubt me.  

I don't call myself a Christian because so many Christians have ruined that title with their judgments and political agendas.  I call myself a believer.  

I still believe.  

I just don't have any answers.  Still don't.  That's sad.  After all these years I have no magical relationship with God like others claim.  God doesn't send angels to give me messages or some prophet to guide my way.  My prayers are just one-sided conversations.  

It is a paradox.  I trust God but I don't trust that He knows me.  Quite honestly I am not important to His plans.  He's much like a celebrity.  I know of Him but He does not know me or that I exist.  So I am relegated to a fan who hopes He will notice me.

The Bible says we can be a "friend of God" but He's a silent friend.  

I have known many who have turn away from God and their religion.  Regardless of how I have stated this, I will not.  I will not give up God.  This is who I am and who I have always been.  That doesn't mean I am perfect or an example you should admire.  Far from it.  I have sinned and failed many times.  It isn't always praise and worship songs.  For me, to serve God means to press through even when you feel like I do now.  It's all I know. 

I will talk to God even though I'm not sure I know how to pray.  I will trust in Him to guide me through the steps He orders and circumstances that happen.  This has been my religion.    

Thoughts About Walking in Public

Now that I have lived in NYC for over a year now, I have done a lot of walking on the sidewalks of the city and am familiar with the adventure of walking in public. Someone said that they can get road rage just walking.  I can understand that feeling. Many times I am stunned by how people walk.  There should be some rules so I have my list of unofficial rules for walking in public.

#1

Be aware of your surroundings.

Believe it or not, you may not be the ONLY person walking on the sidewalk.  Walking on the sidewalks of a major city would go a lot smoother if people would just simply beware of others around them.  This will be a common theme among the other rules to follow.

#2  

Walk on this side you drive on.

It’s not hard, people. Since we live in America and drive on the right side of the road, naturally we should also walk on the right side.  Obviously there are times when this is not possible but as a general rule we should all know which side to choose.  I can’t tell you how many times I have been straight on with someone and they could not comprehend this simple knowledge. Walking flows much better when you are are the “right” side of the walkway.

#3

When walking in a group, don’t take up the entire sidewalk.

I have seen people - mostly tourists - walk four, five or six wide across the sidewalk and refuse to move out of the way.  Again - be aware of your surroundings - adjust to other walkers.  You’re not the only one walking.

 

#4

If you have to stop, step to the side first.

Do NOT come to a dead stop or suddenly turn around. I had this happen to me twice just today.  People walking and suddenly decide to either stop suddenly or stop and turn around.  If you need to stop and regroup, it’s best to step to the side and left the walking traffic continue with their pace.

#5

Merge to walkers when exiting a store.

It amazes me how people will exit a store totally oblivious that others might be walking by.  I have had close calls carrying our Starbucks order when people have bolted out of stores and nearly collided with me.  The people on the sidewalk have the right of way.

#6

Don’t tailgate someone.  

Just with driving, you shouldn’t tailgate people walking in front of you.  They don’t need to feel your breath on their neck.  Adjust your stride or pass the person ahead of you.  Don’t walk on their heels.

#7

Don’t blow smoke, cough or sneeze without making sure no one is around you.  

It’s rude and there are also health risks involved in doing it.  I’ve even had people spit in front of me.  That’s gross and totally inconsiderate. 

#8

Be alert at pedestrian crossings.

Street crossings are very dangerous.  You have to look out for vehicles, bicycles, scooters and other transportation on the street.  I yelled at a lady walking in front of me today when she was nearly hit by a bicycle.  Always assume that a vehicle may not yield to you in the crosswalk.  Sometimes they may not even see you.  

#9

Put the phone away when you are walking.

This one is very annoying.  People lose all sense of their surroundings when they are texting or looking at their phones instead of walking.  If you need to look at your phone, step to the side or do it while you are stopped at a crosswalk.  

The main point is to be aware of your surroundings.  We don’t always walk at the same pace and we are all need to be somewhere too.  Think of others.  It’s not that difficult to do.

The worst places to walk in NYC are the tourist areas like Times Square, Central Park or during Christmas.  People lose their minds and forget how to walk in public. 

Recognize the flow of movement, the pace of people walking and realize that you are not the only one walking.

 

Thoughts About Unanswered Prayers

It was a simple prayer. An easy ask.

I prayed that God would divinely appoint us with the right Uber driver to a medical appointment.

Prayer was not answered.

It was an awful drive. Totally opposite of what I had asked.

Could God not answer this simple, easy request for me?

He did not.

I have no answer for this.

You can’t assume anything when you pray. You pray. Sincerely ask and there is no guarantee that you will receive what you ask for.

I sit here without any answer for this. Where is God when you ask for something simple as a stress-free Uber ride?

I will be honest with you. Right now I am not handling this too well. I’m not asking for anything from you. I just want to show you the real life of a believer.

The reality is that you don’t always get answers to your prayers. I’m not giving up, I’m just a little tired of this. I’m questioning if I even know HOW to pray. Why can’t I have powerful prayers that will get God’s attention?

Does it even matter if I pray for something as silly as getting the right Uber driver?

It may seem like a silly thing to you but if you are in my place and my situation you would see it differently. Some things we blow off as silly are huge to some people.

When God is silent or doesn’t answer prayers as we expect, it can be deeply painful.

I mean why would He tell us to ask, seek and knock if He weren’t going to answer? Why does God tell us to pray about everything when He knows that many of our requests will go unanswered and results in our diminishing trust in Him?

What’s up with this?

I simply don’t get it.

He already knows how stressful these Uber rides have been so does it even matter if I pray about this at all? The big question is: am I making things worse by praying for them in the first place?

So, you see, being a believer isn’t all about everything going my way and living in a total cloud of holiness with every step I take being anointed with some supernatural power. I wish I could be like some of these people I see who are heavenly minded and in a constant praise and worship service. Speaking in tongues and nothing bothering them.

This isn’t working for me.

One simple ask which was denied.

Christian cliches aren’t helping me right now. The only thing that will help are real answers to prayer.

“Who am I that You are mindful of me” is a famous Bible verse in Psalm 8:4 where King David wrote while wondering why the creator of the universe would even care for him as a human.

Why would God answer my prayers? In a world of billions, how does God even know me? Is Milton’s prayers worth answering or even listening to?

That is a question you wonder during the storms in your life.

I’m being real. Nothing holy about this and nothing really inspiring for you to take from my meager writing in an insignificant blog.

Whether I ask or not, I will face the same obstacles tomorrow. Will I continue to pray? Yes. I know nothing else. There is no other place to go.