Man With The Plan

I can’t help myself.

I am the person that NEEDS a plan. I am ALWAYS planning ahead.

If someone mentions going somewhere, I’m already thinking about the route to take, what time we need to leave and parking situation at the destination.

It’s a curse.

At times it overwhelms me.

I am the one with the folder and the spreadsheet. My family even pokes fun at me and my folder.

Yes, I’m that person.

Even back in high school, I remember going to an amusement park and I was the one who had the watch and the park map. My classmates wanted me around because they knew I would be the one who would know when and where we needed to be.

They were having fun and I was thinking ahead to where we needed to be next.

I often wonder what it would be like to have a day when I leave the planning to someone else so I could enjoy myself. It’s a nice thought if I could let go. Somehow I end up taking it over.

I don’t know why I am like this. Maybe it was my strict upbringing, eight years in the military or 30 years in the legal system. I am comfortable with structure. I rarely know how to function without a plan.

There is nothing wrong with being a planner but I probably take it to the extreme. I can’t help it. That’s who I am.

Yet another joy of being me.

It’s tiring constantly being the one in charge, the one everyone relies on, the one who always has to have everything under control. It’s the pressure to make sure everyone is happy, to ensure that every detail is perfect, and to avoid any potential disasters. We often feel like we have to be “on” all the time. We can’t afford to relax, to let go, or to admit that we’re feeling overwhelmed.

We’re afraid that if we don’t take charge, things will fall apart.

I wish I could give my mind a break.

Even now I am thinking about what I am going to have for breakfast in the morning.

When You Feel Overwhelmed

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with life?

Sometimes the burden gets too heavy.

There is a passage in Psalms which tells us that when our heart is overwhelmed that we can go to the rock that is higher than us. (Psalm 61:2)  This Psalm is a prayer for Gods protection and guidance during times of distress. It expresses the need for stability and safety when we are feeling overwhelmed by life’s challenges. The “rock” is God who is our source of strength, stability and refuge.

Although we KNOW that God is our rock and we can go to Him I have buckled under the weight of life because I have failed to go to God during these times. I have tried to carry it myself.

You would think that after all of these years and my life serving God that I would be good at this. I often fail miserably at this.

Why can’t I learn this lesson?

Instead it would seem that I would prefer to stress out than give my burdens over to God.  I have been told to stop stressing a lot recently but I still do. It seems that I can’t let it go.

Why?

Do I really trust God? I say that I do but I certainly don't act as if I trust Him enough to actually do it.

This a painful confession for me to make but it is the truth. 

I am not running this race with patience. I am trying to do it all in my own strength and where has that gotten me? I am totally worn out. I have no energy and I feel beat up on the inside.

Starting writing this blog, I am going to regroup.

So how do we give our burdens to God? It is not something tangible and we can’t physically see God. That makes it quite difficult.

1 Peter 5:7 tells us to "cast" our cares on Jesus. So how do we actually do that? If we do a word study on the word "cast" from the original Greek in this text, it means to "throw upon" or "give away".

Okay, that is a nice thought but HOW do we give away? Well, obviously this isn't something physical we can do so it has to be something mental.

It begins with when we wake up. Starring the day right with the right mindset.

First, it begins with prayer. It's not a laundry list of what we want. We begin with expressing our feelings even if we don't have the words to express them. We shouldn't be afraid to cry. Tears speak words that our heart cannot express in English. Tears are a form of release. Ask for God's help. He knows us. We can be transparent with Him like we can with no one else in our lives.

One thing that helps me is to listen to a song and immerse myself in the lyrics which speak to me. Today I listened to the song "Goodness of God" by CeCe Winans which was absolutely perfect for what I needed.

Next, spend some time in silence. Sit quietly in God's presence. It doesn't have to be for hours. Just carving out a few minutes to do it instead of checking social media in the morning has a way of resetting your mind for the day ahead. I'm not saying it is magic but it certainly doesn't hurt.

Finally, as we go about our day and the difficulties come, remind God that you have given it over to Him and that you are trusting Him.

Will things magically change? Although, the things may not change, in time how they affect us will change. Expectations are important and we must push through them to let the "casting" work.

I Don't Heart NY....Yet

81 days.

That's how long our journey took to get here.  It took us 81 days after we listed our house for sale that we ended up in New York.  We purged, donated and sold almost everything we had except for a mattress and 27 totes.  We really didn't have a plan of where we were going to live so we decided to try the New York-Massachusetts-New Jersey-Connecticut region.  We hired a company to help us find options.  

Our house sold quicker than we had planned.  We immediately had to fast track packing and preparing to get out.

I won't lie.  I hate the process of moving and even more when I don't know where I am going.  I got rid of my blood pressure monitor because I just didn't want to know how much this move was going to stress me.  

And it has stressed me to the max.   

We are here now.  We ended up in a nice apartment which is MUCH smaller and MORE expensive than the house we had in Tennessee.  Would I go back?  No.  Once we made the decision to leave I was ready.

Do I love it in New York?

I can't say "love" yet.  I will start dating New York first and let you know in a few months.

So what are some of the things about this experience?

Driving!  If I EVER thought Nashville driving was bad, it is more intense here because there are so many cars in small spaces.  When we do have to drive, finding parking is the ultimate challenge.  It's crazy and not something I enjoy at all.  Fortunately we have a lot of things within walking distance and the subway is just a five-minute walk from where we live.  I have learned that when you drive here, you can't be tentative.  You do have to be an aggressive driver.  I am hopeful that I won't have to drive much while I am here.  The other issue is parking.  Sometimes finding a place to park is more stressful than the actual driving.

Auto insurance is also crazy expensive here.  I have been with Progressive for 15 years and called them to get a quote for my change of address.  The monthly payment went from $170 to $1,000.  I switched to GEICO which gave me discounts for being a Veteran and Retired Federal Employee which was MUCH less than Progressive.

I have discovered that everything is another level of frustration than what you would expect.  Even doing the change of address at the post office was complicated.  

No, I haven't handled it very well so far.  I have been stressed and completely overwhelmed but sometimes that's just how it goes.  I'm managing my expectations every day.  I always pray that if God doesn't want us to do something that He would shut the door.  So, I have to assume that this is a test or something.  

On the positive side, I'm looking forward to exploring and seeing what I can.  I have never experienced the city life before so this should be fun and exciting.  

We are here now and I definitely don't want to go back now.  We will have to make our way from here.  Is this our permanent place?  No, I don't think it will be.  Until then, I will just continue to adjust and take one day at a time.  All any of us can do is to live in the present.  Can't live in the past or in the future.