Thoughts About Driving In NYC

I finally did it today.  For the first time since we have moved here, I drove into Manhattan.  

It was actually better than I had expected but I was also blessed to have lesser traffic than usual.

Since March, we have been going into the city three times a week for appointments.  With the subway not being a good option, we have been using ride shares such as Lyft and Uber for our trips to/from the city.  Unfortunately, the ride shares had pushed us to our limit with how absolutely ridiculous they drive without regard to health issues.  I have had to fuss at too many drivers lately.  When the ride is more stressful than the actual appointment, something is very wrong.  

So, as the last resort, I decided to drive today.  We have been taking the same route for months so I knew what to expect (usually expect the unexpected) so I took the leap to get behind the wheel and drove into the city.  I have past driving experiences in Puerto Rico, Panama, Atlanta and Nashville but nothing quite compares to New York City.  There are a lot of vehicles, pedestrians, bicycles and other obstacles in tight spaces.  

After a dreadful ride share experience on Tuesday, I starting getting myself mental prepared for driving into the city.  I was finally tired of the stress of depending on a "professional" driver to drive us.  I waited up until we had to leave this morning to go through with it.  

The drive was the most stress-free ride we've had.  I do drive rather cautiously and I am in no way a great driver but I drove at the pace we needed and completed the task.  Crystal did a great job of navigating.  When you drive here, you seriously need as many extra "eyes" as you can to get around.  She navigated me perfectly.

This is more than just tooting my own horn (no pun intended) but a very sad commentary on a majority of the Lyft and Uber drivers we have experienced. We have paid way too much for each ride for most of them being crappy rides and dealing with drivers who are unable to understand or sympathize with our requests for a calm ride.  The ride share services fail at helping those who need something special for their ride experiences.  We never asked for a celebrity chauffeur treatment, just someone that wouldn't drive like a crazy taxi driver in NYC!  I have a long list of drivers I have blocked from accepting our requests.  That is pathetic.  

Will I continue driving into the city?  Probably.  Let's just enjoy today's experience.  We can't assume that it will always be like it was today.  

For today - at least - I can say that I drove in Manhattan.

What if or Even if?

When we pray, we are told to have faith and trust God. We pray with faith hoping that God will answer our prayers - - but what if He doesn’t? 

When we prayer and have faith, there are no guarantees that it will turn out how we hope it will. Sometimes it could be worse. What happens to our faith then? What if God doesn’t come through for us?

It’s a scary thought.

I think about the story of the three Hebrew boys who refused to worship the king and were thrown into a fiery furnace. When given the opportunity to recant, they stood firm. I’m sure they prayed that God would save them but now they were in the furnace it seemed like they were going to die. Even with that, they said that even if God didn’t deliver them that they still would not bow. The King made the furnace ten times hotter, but the Hebrews were not burned, and the king even saw a fourth person in the fire with them. They were delivered.

I wish I had faith strong enough to say that “even if” God doesn’t answer my prayer that I will still trust Him. It’s easy to say that you will when you aren’t going through something, but it is a different thing when you are in the furnace.

You pray for someone you love to be healed and they die.
You pray for financial help, and you are forced to go bankrupt.
You ask for deliverance and your situation get worse.
You ask for God to remove a difficult person from your life, and He replaces them with two difficult people.

Regardless of how much faith we have, we aren’t ready for the opposite answer to our prayers. That is when our faith is truly put to the test.

Fear is “what if”
Faith is “even if”
It is a huge leap. It takes a lot of courage to get to the “even if” place.

The “even if” place is trusting in God even if things get worse or totally opposite of what we are praying for.

That’s the place we need to be. That’s the place where there is true peace. It’s a peace that can’t be explained or understood. The Bible even tells us that when it says that the peace of God, which goes beyond our understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds. (Philippians 4:7). This describes a place we have a solid trust in the middle of our anxieties. Instead of being dependent on a perfect or stress-free circumstance this is an internal stability that can only be from our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Even if things don’t work out, we will still trust Him?

I’m trying to get there.

Thoughts About My Religion

Christian.

That's what I had always considered myself.  

I grew up in religion.  When I was born, my father had just accepted his calling into the ministry.  A few years later he was appointed to his first church in Valdosta, Georgia.  I became a preacher's kid and would be known as that for many years that followed.

I was taught about God and was raised in a church family.  My life was about the church.  Our specific denomination was very strict and a lot of rules which were intended to keep its members "holy" in some way.  

When I left home and went out on my own I had to unlearn and relearn some things about my religion and who God really was.  For years I tried to find my "calling" in the ministry as if it were some holy grail that would magically transform my life.  

Then life happened.  Twists and turns.  Decisions and choices made which changed me.  

I have always struggled with my relationship with God.  How is it possible to talk to someone who never talks back?  How can you even be sure that in the world of billions of people that He could possibly hear my prayers?  

Have faith?  Walk in the Spirit?  Read the word?

Those are the answers you are given when you question it.

I don't need a God which only comes out when I'm jumping, clapping and singing songs projected on a screen or ancient hymns from a song book.  I need a God that is there.  Even after all of these years and hundreds of sermons I have heard I am still not sure about any of this.  No, I don't doubt that there is a God.  He's not the one I doubt.  It is me.  I doubt me.  

I don't call myself a Christian because so many Christians have ruined that title with their judgments and political agendas.  I call myself a believer.  

I still believe.  

I just don't have any answers.  Still don't.  That's sad.  After all these years I have no magical relationship with God like others claim.  God doesn't send angels to give me messages or some prophet to guide my way.  My prayers are just one-sided conversations.  

It is a paradox.  I trust God but I don't trust that He knows me.  Quite honestly I am not important to His plans.  He's much like a celebrity.  I know of Him but He does not know me or that I exist.  So I am relegated to a fan who hopes He will notice me.

The Bible says we can be a "friend of God" but He's a silent friend.  

I have known many who have turn away from God and their religion.  Regardless of how I have stated this, I will not.  I will not give up God.  This is who I am and who I have always been.  That doesn't mean I am perfect or an example you should admire.  Far from it.  I have sinned and failed many times.  It isn't always praise and worship songs.  For me, to serve God means to press through even when you feel like I do now.  It's all I know. 

I will talk to God even though I'm not sure I know how to pray.  I will trust in Him to guide me through the steps He orders and circumstances that happen.  This has been my religion.